Book notes: Attached (Part 1)

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Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Book links

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My notes*

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

3 styles of attachment in romantic relationships. You can be more than one.

  • Anxious: You want intimacy and are preoccupied with relationships
  • Secure: You want intimacy and are not preoccupied with relationships
  • Avoidant: You want independence more than intimacy and are not preoccupied with relationships

The chart below, from the Attachment in adults Wikipedia page, gives a more interesting organization of attachment styles:

Screen Shot 2016-06-24 at 10.37.32 AMEach of these styles evolved because they were useful in some way. None is wrong or something to be ashamed of.

No matter the style, we’re all evolved to be dependent on someone(s). We have an attachment system of emotions and behaviors. We get anxious when our dependency needs aren’t met, and we feel secure when they are.

We exhibit protest behavior when our dependency needs aren’t met. E.g. checking in repeatedly, trying to make your partner jealous.

A paradox: When you have a secure base (likely in someone else, e.g., a parent or partner), you feel safe enough to venture out and take risks on your own.

Taking the “What is My Attachment Style?” assessment in Chapter 3: I’m noticing that some of the behaviors I exhibit in relationships come naturally, and some feel more like they were “tacked on.” Innate vs learned? Or developed very early on vs later in adulthood?

I’m trying to keep these blog posts short, so I’ll post a Part 2 separately once I’ve read more of the book. Let me know if you start reading it and want to discuss! 🙂


*Disclaimer for all book notes: These notes are more for myself than others, but I try to make them comprehensible to others and to my future self. I present the author’s concepts and ideas sometimes with commentary, sometimes without. I may or may not agree with them. My own thoughts, like phrases starting with “I think,” etc, should be distinguishable from the paraphrasing.

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