Excerpts from old journal entries

Reading old journal entries. Am gaining a ton of insight from this retrospective view. The biggest insight was how futile all my anxieties about the future were. Even the worries that ultimately manifested into reality, either the next day or the next year, were ultimately independent from and irrelevant to the thoughts I had about them beforehand.

I’d like to do an in-depth analysis of that in the future. But for now, I’m just going to recommend that you read your old journal entries more often!

Here are some excerpts that people besides myself would find interesting.

Such fear

“I don’t want to lucid dream anymore, for now. I’m afraid of my dreams. I mean I’m afraid of my brain. I don’t want to let it run rampant. It’s like a gourmand. It’s like my eating habits have been cured, but at the expense of my brain. Arg. Ok I’m really hankering for a run. Outside. Run as fast as I can to escape my mind.”

Such judgment

“Yesterday I was really negative about my waltz partner, and I think it bothered James. I don’t even know why I was telling him. What was the purpose? Just to get it off my chest? That didn’t work, just made it worse. To brag that I handled [the unpleasantness] well? I don’t think that came across. To vent my guilt? I don’t know. I need to write a scene about a guy like that. Why are they like that? The guy yesterday, and [a dance partner from earlier in my life that I won’t name here]? Ugh. And both were dancing scenarios too. Omg it’s just like Liz and Mr. Collins!! She was SO panicked when she was in danger of getting stuck with the short end of the stick. Ugh I just smelled a whiff of the guy’s breath from last night. How is it that all dancing guys have something significantly wrong with them? Is it b/c dancing is such an intimate activity that your senses and standards are heightened? And there’s so much unfamiliar skill and interaction involved? Must explore more deeply. Anyway, I was pretty terrible in dancing last night too. Ugh, I need to practice. I think I was the worst girl.”

Such high

“Yesterday was the best valentine’s day ever. Recording it so I don’t forget! I got a beautiful bouquet from James. Then we went to Coupa for their ridiculous nutella waffle with banana and strawberry. Then we went to Crate & Barrel and the Stanford mall in search of popover pans. The best part was actually when I finally pooed in Nordstrom. Then we went to picnic at Shoreline park, which was beautiful, and the food was good. We walked around, then came home. I think we bought more food than we ever did at TJ’s and Safeway. Crazy. Actual food in the kitchen. Then we opened the champagne and played Grim Fandango. … I had some edible. … Then we watched Sabrina. James really enjoyed it, which makes me happy. … I realized I was really high. Hilarious vertigo and inability to open eyes for more than a few seconds at a time. … Oh yeah we played charades. Much more fun when high. Best Valentine’s day ever! And I forgot to write morning pgs, but I just want to be w/ my James in the wkend mornings. … Being high is insane. You have no memory of things from a few seconds ago. No time sense either. So you’re not sure if an eternity passed since you were last conscious.”

This one made me cry. Happy nostalgic crying. Not because of Valentine’s Day but because of all the weekend mornings. I’m so glad I recorded this. It really reminds me to breathe in the beauty of my life in this moment.

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